Earlier this year, my therapist encouraged me to “hold a certain amount of mystery and figure out what works for me” in regard to circumstances that I struggle with.
I’ll add holding space, tension and ambiguity, as well as gaining clarity/figuring out what matters and is meaningful to me.
My therapist has given me variations on this advice since I began working with her two years ago and I am so grateful to have her perspective and insight in my life on a regular basis. She helps me to navigate difficult and uncertain times in really thoughtful ways.
When I turned 40 and 45 I wrote and shared reflection posts here on my blog, which turned 18 this year. I decided to do it again, as I appreciate being able to revisit what I was thinking, as well as feeling, back then and how far I have come since. It is a bittersweet and meaningful exercise to see how my life has changed and evolved in five year increments.
I turned 50 three months ago on Thursday, March 6th. Gail took this photo while our family and the servers at Topo Gigio, the Italian restaurant where we had dinner that night in Chicago, sang to me. I love how they captured my joy in that moment.
I appreciate how I have grown in recent years and that I didn’t feel compelled to finish this post on my actual birthday, though I did write some then. I took my time to tinker with it, as I tend to do more lately, and then got a bit stuck when it started to morph into a laundry list of what I have learned through therapy in the last year or so. At that point I wasn’t sure if or when I might finish/post/share.
Fast forward to earlier this week, when I was listening to an episode of Talk Easy with Sam Fragosso. I came to Sam’s nine year old podcast by way of Question Everything with Brian Reed. From time to time Brian and his team share out one of their favorite episodes from another podcast and recently they did so with Talk Easy. Somehow, Sam and Talk Easy were not on my radar. I didn’t actually listen to the episode they suggested, with Chris Hayes from MSNBC, rather I looked for one that spoke to me more — an interview from last year with Ta-Nehisi Coates. I thought Sam’s conversation with Ta-Nehisi was really well done and followed that by looking for another Talk Easy episode description that piqued my interest.
I chose one which turned the tables on host Sam, with Abbi Jacobson (who I was familiar with and already a fan of) interviewing him. They recorded it in honor of Sam’s milestone 30th birthday, not long after Abbi’s 40th, and it nudged me to return to this post about my experience navigating life at and turning 50.
I was immediately drawn to how the Talk Easy team and Sam approach the guests on their podcast, from doing extensive research to asking really thoughtful questions that bring out incredibly meaningful answers. I wish I had been introduced to Talk Easy with Sam sooner and I look forward to listening back/continuing on with him. I also enjoy that Sam and I have some shared connections, as apparently he is from Chicago and went to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
There are so many awesome anecdotes from Sam’s life that he discusses with Abbi in this 30th birthday episode, including the direct impact that film critic Roger Ebert had on Sam’s career before his death in 2013. In listening to a story about their connection, it reminded me of how one of my mom’s close friends, who is a retired journalism professor from the Medill School of Journalism, Media, Integrated Marketing Communications at Northwestern University (NU), where I now work as a career advisor, helped me to realize that I am a writer, even if I never publish more beyond my blog here. I don’t need Sam’s level of success to be a storyteller.
During their interview, Abbi asked Sam two questions that she got from her friend Elena, who asked her the same ones, for the first time 15 years ago, on her birthday. Elena asks these questions of her family and friends on their birthdays, a practice which Abbi adopted:
What is one thing that you’re proud of that you did this past year?
What is one thing that you’re going to do this upcoming year?
These are my answers for 50:
- I am proud of helping people to navigate pivotal times in their lives and tell stories, especially as a parent and a career advisor in higher education at a journalism school, this past year.
- In this upcoming year, I will write and share more stories, especially from my own life and experiences.
In answering those questions I found myself thinking about how being a career advisor at Medill/NU is a bit like the main character in the movie Good Will Hunting, who is a brilliant mathematician with little formal training/education, choosing to being a janitor at MIT. I do love getting to be adjacent to so many wonderful emerging storytellers and strategists, as I help them to launch meaningful careers. The students I work with are setting out on paths that I might have pursued in a parallel life and I recognize that it is never too late in this one.
Getting back to my own milestone birthday, there are many things about my life in 2025, that I couldn’t have began to conjure up in early March 2020. They include:
The pandemic! When I wrote and shared my 45th birthday post, our family and I had many wonderful plans for 2020, including travel, and it still feels sad for me to reflect on. That said, it did force our family to slow down and spend more quality time together at home during the many months we spent quarantining. At the same time, I recognize that many people did not have that option and/or privilege. I also grieve for and with all those who have lost loved ones to COVID, which to a degree may have contributed to my father’s death. Though he never actually got COVID (as far as we know), quarantining during most of the the first year of the pandemic absolutely impacted the quality of his life and not in a good way much of the time. Somehow, I didn’t get COVID for over four years! It finally found me or I found it (in July 2024).
Moving back to my hometown of Evanston, three years ago (in March 2022) — is certainly something I never imagined would happen/we would consider, let alone decide to do, pre-pandemic!
Both of my parents’ deaths — Dad’s almost four years ago (in July 2021) and Mom’s almost two (in July 2023) — has been a lot to get used to (if that is ever really possible). It was certainly on my radar they could pass anytime and I tried to engage with them intentionally to make the most of the time we had left together. However, after they died I realized that I was not truly prepared for that to happen and adapting to a world without their physical presence in it continues to feel surreal.
The wonderful job that I’ve had at NU, as a career advisor with the Medill School for close to two years (since September 2023) and the one I had before that, supporting two professional masters programs — MSIT and MSiA/MLDS — in the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science, after returning to the traditional workforce there four years ago (in August 2021).
Ours kids’ journeys/evolutions — S and G (who decided to go by a different part of their first name) have navigated a lot of joys and challenges in recent years and their lives haven’t played out in ways they or we may have anticipated. Parenting our 21 and 15 year olds is not easy and this stage often feels exhausting for B and me. That said, we continue to be committed to helping our children learn and grow, with our love being solid ground for them (as Sara Bareilles sings about in her beautiful song “Orpheus”).
Identifying as agnostic — a journey that I have been on for many years now and was starting to dip my toes into when I turned 45 years old. It is especially jarring considering how much of my life I embraced a progressive Catholic faith, including serving on faith based retreat teams (from high school through college and into adulthood) and teaching religious education.
Questioning so much that I once believed to be true — which is how I have allowed myself to change my perspective on and understanding of many things. This came from a lot of the reading of and listening to books and podcasts that I do, as well as participating in reading group/book club discussions that challenge my point of view and help me to consider alternatives, as well as recognizing that in some instances we can learn to live the questions.
I entered post-menopause! I haven’t had a period since late July 2023 and it is one of many mid-life health challenges that I am learning can come with the territory at 50. In September 2024, while on an awesome work trip to London, I became afflicted with a case of vertigo, which lingered/still bothered me for over six months, during which I did lots of physical therapy. Though it wasn’t anywhere near as debilitating as it was in the beginning, it still sucked that it dragged on for that long.
Living through a big home renovation! B and I worked with a talented local architect, who specializes in Evanston/Chicago area historic homes, to design a plan to build out/finish our attic, including home office space for both of us (which can double as guest rooms for visitors), an additional bathroom on the third floor and updating our existing second floor primary and hall/kids’ baths. The project began in early October 2024 and now we are eight months in. It has been fascinating, frustrating and stressful to experience. B and I even moved our bedroom furniture to/slept in our sunroom (which was cozy) for the first six months, while so much of our second and third floors were under construction. It will be exciting and a relief when it is complete. Initially, they projected it would take four to six months and then said it could take as long as eight. Now we are going beyond that for a variety of reasons and look forward to wrapping things up as soon as possible, though likely won’t be able to fully do so until mid-late summer. As with so many things in my/our life, I feel grateful and privileged to be in a position where we can do something like this and do not take it for granted.
One of the things that my family and I were most looking forward to in 2020, was an almost month long trip that we had planned to the UK. For many reasons, ever since, it hasn’t worked for us to reschedule and now we are so excited to finally be making a revised and slightly shorter version of our epic adventure to England happen this summer!
Circling back to the positive and transformative impact that being in regular talk therapy has had on/within me — I often take notes during our appointments, that I refer back to in between sessions. I compiled some of my takeaways to share in this post, as I enter my next decade of existence.
My therapist uses a lot of metaphors, which resonate with me. Lately she has been suggesting that one of my tasks is to stand in and try to see my life/garden clearly at 50, as opposed to how I might imagine or want things to be. She encourages me to do this without judgement or trying to make meaning (yet). She talks about surveying how things are different from earlier ages and stages, along with pointing out that when we hold on to visions too tightly, we can miss the life that is right in from of us.
What do I have in my life/my garden right now?
My therapist says,
“let it be as complicated as it is.”
When we do this, it allows us to make decisions from a much more grounded and clear sighted place.
Other questions my therapist has suggested I be willing to “press pause” and ponder, while knowing that life is a tapestry, are:
What is life asking of me right now?
What (colors) do I want (more of)?
She says this places me in the role of being the hero of my own story, instead of the victim.
My therapist talks about how there’s always something we can learn and lean into, including parts of ourselves/lives that didn’t get lived. She suggests that if we pick up/bite into those parts there is still life there, which can take us to unexpected places.
Related, my therapist affirms how common it is to experience reawakenings as we get older. She talks about the importance of being open and flexible, as if we are never willing to bend that can be problematic too.
That said, she also reminds me to celebrate stability and that we don’t have to blow everything up!
It helps me to remember that I have a lot to be proud of and reflect on how far I have come.
My therapist also encourages me to lean into grace for myself and others, as well as to make sure that I am not so focused on serving everyone at the table that I don’t pull up a chair for myself/what I need or want.
In our sessions we discuss shedding meaning making frameworks than no longer fit, as well as renegotiating contracts and listening to what is knocking on the door. I am learning the importance of allowing myself to grieve what wasn’t, as I reclaim what is.
I continually return to an image my therapist introduced me to early on, of taking things off my plate to make room, especially when feeling overwhelmed.
She also reminds me that I/we don’t always have to be the “book group leader,” as I have a tendency to volunteer more than I have the capacity for.
Recently we were talking about health anxiety, when facing medical problems, and how that is fertile ground. When we are ill the volume of our negative thoughts gets turned up and it can help to tell our unquiet minds that we “can’t respond (to them) right now.”
For much of my life I’ve been drawn to making a difference, which can feel like both a gift and a curse at times. My therapist talks about how to use my super powers and not have them use me.
She says,
“If you need help, ask.
If you have more, give.”
In a recent session I was venting about how hard things feel, both on a macro/national/global scale, as well as a micro/local and personal/familial one. My therapist presented me with the idea that we can encounter/go through “winter” stages/times in life, when metaphorically things are cut away/limbs fall off of trees. She talked about how in some cases what’s falling away are illusions and that what is left/revealed will be that which is essential. She shared that we decide how we want to stand/build on that, which can include reevaluating our relationships, and that new growth might be coming.
To further the analogy, my therapist spoke of how some plants (relationships) are growing, even waving in the wind (wanting to connect with me). There may be such plants (people) that I haven’t paid as much attention too and I can choose if I want to focus on them more. Similarly, my mom used to talk about “feeding the feeders” in our life, as opposed to the “eaters,” which I think about when some of my relationships don’t feel balanced. At the same time, my therapist acknowledges that some plants (relationships/people) may feel like they are dying/falling off from my life, which can be painful, and sometimes we have to recognize that we need to pull back from those that we used to be closer to.
Related, I am participating in an awesome nine-month training opportunity in community at Northwestern, called CatalystNU, which teaches faculty and staff how to have difficult and meaningful conversations more effectively. When I was working on this post back in March, I went to link to a webpage that had info about it and landed on a standard one, that sadly NU and many other universities were using at that time, in effort not to lose federal funding — by being perceived as advancing DEI initiatives. I have plenty of thoughts and feelings about how all of this has been going down and am choosing not to expand much more on that here/in this moment. However, in clicking on the link again (now in June) I was able to find that more information about CatalystNU has returned.
That said, a few months ago at a CatalystNU session, during which we were practicing what we learned in our first full day of training, a colleague and I were each taking a side/POV related to universities, including NU, making the choice to scrub websites of DEI related language. I took the side that it is wrong and that more schools and people should be standing up/fighting for what we believe in. Though I know my colleague holds similar values, they argued the opposite, which included posing these questions:
Where is the opportunity here?
How can we reimagine what comes next?
I really appreciated that and continue to return to those in regards to the times we are living through/navigating with fascist/racist/white supremacist/homophobic/transphobic/oligarchs leading too much of our national and world governments.
Returning to more of my therapy takeaways, as there are so many, and consolidating them in this post, as I transition into this next decade of my life, feels important and meaningful to me.
My therapist talks about how a little bit of intentionality goes a long way, as well as how change can accumulate. Another underlying theme that she pointed out is looking for more wholeness and giving back what doesn’t belong to me. She says that is actually a gift to others. As a recovering perfectionist and control freak, letting go isn’t easy and I am getting better at practicing that.
When I lament the mistakes I have made and the times I have let those I care about down, my therapist reminds me that we all have our blind spots and moments when we miss other people. Our loved ones miss us at times too. We do what we can, when we can, and sometimes we miss something and hope others pick up the slack when it happens. I appreciate that perspective, knowing that hopefully in those circumstances when I wasn’t able to be there for loved ones, that others in their circle/orbit were able to support them. Likewise, when I feel let down by those who may have been there for me in the past, I try to remember that they are likely navigating their own challenges and may not have the capacity to notice/be aware of my struggles.
My therapist proposed that as I try to get a clear view, I may get intuitions and inklings of what my life/garden is calling me (and my family) to do. She also affirmed, what often feels painful to me — that I don’t have the version of my life and family that I did before. At the same time, I recognize that I did have it before, which I can reflect on with gratitude.
She shared something in particular recently, which felt profound to me,
“Yes, we lost some of our people. Also, no, we didn’t.”
They are with us in all that we are and all that we do.
My therapist is also an actor/teacher, who lost one of her longtime mentors this year. She gave the example that her mentor is always with her when she is teaching an acting class. I really appreciate that way of framing how our loved ones who have died can continue to be with us throughout our day to day lives.
In this “winter” time of my life, as my therapist names, I can determine where my circle of influence lies and what I choose to do with that. I am realizing that it works for me to focus on micro more than macro right now — in my personal life/family/friendships, my town/community (more than the country as a whole) and our small office/team at work (more than the overall university).
Another theme my therapist has pointed out is that there is a lot of discernment for me to do. She suggests that I can ask myself,
How can I help?
(while also being mindful of not over functioning/giving)
How do I look at things clearly and not take them personally?
(avoid putting too many stories on top of facts, as that is where situations and relationships can spin out of control)
Then, I can make decisions accordingly.
I think *this is the point* in my post where I started feeling stuck back in March. As, when I returned to tinkering this week, what followed were a lot of disjointed notes from various therapy sessions earlier this year. Though they are interesting and meaningful insights for me to revisit, I am not going to share much more of them here and now. I decided to copy and paste my “leftover therapy notes” into another draft post that I may or may not come back to another time.
That said, one of my newer friends (since we moved back to Evanston) shared something that felt profound to me in the last year or so, which I keep pinned to the top of the notes app on my phone, as it’s a helpful reminder for me and I wanted to be sure to include it here/in my 50th birthday post:
“When we feel reactive or cynical, it’s often because we are at capacity/our cup is overflowing. Recognizing those moments is key, especially as white people (and people with other types of privilege), and not allowing them to shape our actions.”
That relates to what another therapist in my life is big on — “Notice, Name and Navigate!”
The therapist talks about becoming more aware (noticing and naming) and then trying to stay within our “Window of Tolerance” (navigating).
As my main therapist says, this is slow and steady work that can lead to a lot. She often reminds me that as long as there is progress, we are headed in the right direction. I also recognize that is a luxury/privilege to have the time and resources to course correct and make more intentional choices for our family through things like therapy. As one of my favorite bands, Toad the Wet Sprocket, sings in one of their/my favorite songs, “I Will Not Take These Things For Granted.”
I actually spent several therapy sessions leading up to March 6th talking about my milestone birthday, figuring out how I wanted to mark the occasion versus what I felt that I had been conditioned/socialized to believe matters.
My therapist shared that she believes the most important task on our birthdays is to honor ourselves/all the versions (from various ages and stages) that show up/knock on our door, as much or more than who wants to celebrate us and/or celebrate with us. She encouraged me to check in with my younger selves and give them all hugs — having me draw an image of circles at various ages/stages and give them all love. I really appreciate that perspective.
There are a few other random things that I had noted while tinkering with this post on my actual 50th birthday and wanted to include. The first being that we had a new roof that was being installed on March 6th, a somewhat unexpected part of our home renovation (which tends to happen with big projects like this) and the roofers were listening to The Drive 97.1 radio station, which was playing very nostalgic music from the 1990s and seemed fitting for my milestone birthday.
Another thing was related to my being part of a group text with some college friends, many of whom are turning 50 this year. It has been fun and meaningful to celebrate with each of us together, on our special days this year, and I appreciate the special messages they sent my way that day.
Lastly, the sketch comedy show Saturday Night Live (SNL) and I were born and reached this milestone during the same years. I enjoyed watching the celebratory SNL50 broadcasts around that together with B, S and G during which there was a segment that I especially enjoyed, when Paul McCartney sang “Golden Slumbers”/”Carry That Weight” live with a fabulous backup band. Within that performance, there was a particular moment, when the camera panned to Jason Sudeikis who was enthusiastically singing along, dancing and clapping in an aisle of the theater which — as a big fan of Jason, especially the character Ted Lasso that he portrays — felt really special. I’ve been listening to those two songs from Abbey Road on repeat often since then, as I find the combo very timely and soothing. Also, I am beyond excited to be headed to Liverpool with my family, where we plan to have lots of Beatles related experiences, as part of our epic adventure in England this summer! Sharing the clip below for posterity, as well as for those who missed and might want to watch it.
I’ve always loved collecting quotes and this one of Erma Bombeck’s used to be my favorite:
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.”
However, now that I identify as agnostic, I don’t necessarily believe that God gave me my unique talents, challenges and superpowers or that I will meet some form of a God when my life ends. I also recognize that rest is as important as being productive and that I don’t have to use up every skill that I have been blessed with and/or developed en route to 50.
Thus, another of my longtime favs, from Gilda Radner, that I especially find meaningful when I am navigating difficult and uncertain experiences in life — which at 50 seems to be daily/more often than not — tends to be more of north star to me at this age and stage:
Thank you for being part of my ambiguous journey here (over the last 18 years) and/or outside of the blogosphere (during my first five decades of life). Though it hasn’t always seemed delicious to me, I appreciate Gilda’s perspective and certainly try to find joy and humor whenever and wherever I can.
I will leave you with some more wise words from my awesome therapist.
When in doubt, she often invites me to,
“Ask my heart, ‘what do I need right now?'”
I find that to be a helpful way for me to ground myself in the moment, as I continue to hold mystery at 50.
What is your heart telling you that you need right now?
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I baked a cake last night for us to begin enjoying on your birthday eve, as today will be a busy one for our family. I grabbed a bag of miscellaneous extra candles from a kitchen cabinet to decorate it and couldn’t believe that we had exactly 17 left to light for you!
On Saturday we visited your grave at the cemetery as a family, in honor of this 17th anniversary of your birth and day, because with our busy schedules there wasn’t another time that worked for all of us. Dad, G and I picked up S from their weekly improv class at the iO Theater to drive there, followed by a delicious pizza dinner at Pequod’s in Morton Grove on our way home.
In another letter we read on Saturday, Mom talked about how we had gone to church at Sheil Catholic Center one Sunday and there were 17 roses on the altar, in honor and memory of one of my childhood friends, Rosalinda, who died when we were 10. The roses were there because it was on or near her birthday, when she would’ve turned 17. That was another moment that felt like more than a coincidence during this golden birthday/17th anniversary of your death week.
One of my favorite pastimes in recent months, has been planning the details/booking experiences for our family’s epic adventure/trip across the pond this summer! We’ve been wanting to reschedule our UK trip, originally planned for August 2020, for awhile and finally decided we could make it work this year. It has many of the same elements that we had intended to do back then, as well as several changes — including not going to Scotland or Wales this time, so we can really see/explore England. I wish we were going to be a party of five, with you joining us, and I appreciate imagining that you’ll be there in spirit.
